Don’t you know that you’re toxic?

A title ripped straight from a Britney Spears song. Nevermind that I haven’t been a fan of hers since way back when red leather jumpsuits were still considered wholesome and Disney-esque.

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately about toxic relationships and how easy it is to form them. Don’t worry, it has nothing to do with my husband, who is the exact opposite of what I’m talking about. I’m talking about relationships formed between other people – siblings, co-workers, family members, friends. Any and all of them. It seems there’s always someone in your life that will always find a way to bring down the people around them. The constantly depressed/angry/spiteful beings that want to drag everyone they know down into their pool of dejection. Like crabs in a bucket. If I can’t make it to the top, neither will you!

Isn’t life all about enjoying the little things and being happy? Isn’t it about caring for other people, their feelings, their accomplishments, and reassuring them when they fail or fall short of their goals? That’s what I’ve always thought. And that’s not to say that I am without faults of my own. However, it’s a hard pill for me to swallow – accepting that there are people in my life that would love nothing more than to see me fail. For them to rise above, be superior, be able to say ‘I’m so better than you’. I try to act like it doesn’t bother me. Like I never give it a second thought. But it does bother me, even if it’s just a fleeting thought in the back of my mind, it finds a way to rear its ugly head at times when I’m feeling quite good about myself. Quite frankly, it depresses me, because not only am I letting this person’s feelings subtly dictate my own, but also because in the process, it does make me feel inferior. After all, what kind of person would let themselves feel this way if they are indeed strong? Then, I get angry.

Have you ever pulled up next to another car at a stop light, look over to the person driving and smile? Then, the person takes it upon themselves to stare you down and rev their engine? When the light turns green, they burn rubber down the highway screaming “YESSS, I BEAT YOU,” while you’re left in the dust thinking ‘I was not racing you, asshole.’ That’s how it can feel sometimes. Like a competition that I never entered, a race that I didn’t even know existed.

I wish I could say that I’m not affected by it. But as long as there’s someone that wants so badly to be the better person, mother, friend, sister, wife, daughter… I guess I’ll be the unwilling participant.

Remember the home keys!

I remember in my middle school computer class, there came a time when the teacher put those dreaded orange skins on all the keyboards so we couldn’t see the keys. It was time to learn to type without looking at the keyboard, using the home keys, she told us. I hated it at first, almost never passing any of my typing tests. I’m grateful for it now.

And yeah, my nails really are that color!