The past few weeks have been a nightmare for me. Stressful and emotionally draining. Only today have I found some much needed relief.

The thing is, I do it to myself. On October 16th, I was supposed to get my period. When I didn’t, my brain immediately went into ‘OMG I AM SO PREGNANT, NOOOO’ mode. I worried, I fretted, I went through a bout of depression (if I can call it that…I know the clinically depressed don’t really appreciate people throwing that word around). Days went by and not even a single cramp or any semblance of sensation in my female plumbing. I’ve NEVER been more than 3 or 4 days late, and I was confused. I began playing the ‘what if’ scenarios over and over in my head, even though I didn’t want to. Whenever I tried to relax, take a deep breath, and have fun, my worries would rear their ugly head at that precise moment.

I know, I know, many think that it’s not a big deal. And even more would probably give up their left ovary to have a ‘fear’ of being pregnant. But it’s not something that I take very lightly. I’ve been through the struggles and trying times of giving birth and raising one child already. Yes, I have a happy marriage and a happy family, but I haven’t yet reached a point where I’m ready to do it all over again with a new baby. Maybe someday. But not now. And we take precautions to avoid it. THAT’S why I practically lost my shit, I believe.

Anyway, by the time the 23rd rolled around, I was at the end of my rope. Of course, hindsight is always 20/20, but it felt like I’d already been waiting and wondering for a hundred years. I worried and fretted and overreacted so badly by this point that I couldn’t concentrate or get any enjoyment out of anything. I dragged myself into work, but didn’t put forth any effort because MY CRAZY BRAIN WOULD NOT ALLOW IT. I hate waiting. I hate not knowing. I HATED my body for what it was doing to me emotionally.

Two negative pregnancy tests and a 10 day delayed period later, I think I can finally put my mind at ease and take comfort in the fact that I’m NOT pregnant. I don’t know what happened down there this past month to make things get all wacky, but I can only hope that if it ever happens again, I’ll be more prepared to deal with it…constructively.

Today is the first official day of Fall break for the school kids. Oh, how I love having my little bubby around…but it’s only 4:37pm on break day #1 and he’s already restless and bored. I figured this would happen, because come on – when you’re used to having a ton of activities going on, five days a week, 7+ hours a day you become accustomed to things being that way. During down time, you kinda don’t know what to do with yourself. I STILL feel that way as an adult. As I’m typing this, he has come into the room asking me, “What can I do anyways? I don’t know what to do.” We’ve already done all sorts of things, but nothing is satisfying him. He doesn’t want to color, write, play games, play with toys, watch a movie, take a nap, sing songs… *sigh* We’ve already done all of those things, PLUS decorated the house for Halloween (our favorite holiday around these parts) and cleaned up his room. Man…I’m at a loss here. We’ve never really had this problem before. But I think I have a solution.

I see outdoor excursions in our near future. I see us going to harass my parents tomorrow and play with their kitties until they wish they had a new family, one WITHOUT human children. I see him being unleashed outside, weather permitting, to scream and run around until he’s too tired to think about how boring it is to be at home all day. Yes, sounds very nice indeed.

Aside from the constant barrage of “I’m bored, I’m not tired, I don’t want to do that” that has been thrown my way all day, I’ve been trying to catch up on some work with Demand Studios. So far, I’ve written two articles and am due to be paid tomorrow. We’ll see how that pans out before I give an opinion on them as a company. As for the amount of work they make available, I have to say that they seem to stay on top of it. Any time I log in to find assignments, there’s always a slew of them to pick from. I’ve never had that experience with any other freelance writing opportunity…so yays. I’m really hoping to be successful at this whole freelancing thing now, after months of trying to get my foot in the door. I’m very optimistic.

I mentioned earlier that Halloween is our favorite holiday, and the month of October is always so exciting for me. I’m glad that good things seem to happening this year. Also on the agenda this month: bake Halloween cookies (or cupcakes, haven’t yet decided), visit our local haunted houses and get the shit scared out of us (sans Dylan, of course), and going to see Zombieland in theaters! Woo!