My husband worked his ass off this month and was lucky enough to receive a bonus check for it. Pretty impressive considering the fact that I harass him daily while at work via Yahoo Messenger. We had this little exchange this afternoon:

Josh: 371.19
Me: huh?
Josh: My bonus amount
Me: WOOO HOOO! So you did get it!
Josh: Yea Yay Yay
Me: That’s great.
Josh: I’m happy…. I’m buying an xbox
Me: WHAT? lol. we’re supposed to be saving and paying off our debts, silly!
Josh: Yes but I want an xbox
Me: I know but… ghilghdlsgnlsd;heruia;hgdasl;
Josh: Asl? Haha 26 m ky
Me: LOL didn’t even realize I put that.
Me: I’m 22/f/ky r u HORNEE?
Josh: Yes I am… I am buying an xbox though

And there you have it. No time to be HORNEE when you have money burning a hole in your pocket and shiny new Xbox’s out there as far as the eye can see.

It was mine and Josh’s vacation. No work, no school for Dylan, and pretty much no responsibilities for a change! I almost didn’t know what to do with myself!

Aside from being complete lazy slobs and sitting around playing Playstation all day, I managed to find time to pick up a new hobby.

This is going to be a granny square blanket for Dylan – in his school colors of course! I’m on square #8 right now (I think, hell I have a stack already and I’m not sure). Dare I say I *think* I’ve pretty much mastered the granny square now. I like them. Which is good, because according to my measurements, 10 squares wide by 12 squares tall = 120 FREAKING SQUARES. Damn. Maybe I’ll have it completed by the time he’s in high school. But then these wouldn’t be his school colors anymore. DOUBLE DAMN.

I told Josh I needed to teach him how to crochet these things so we could get it done in half the time. He didn’t much like the idea.

I really enjoy crocheting so far. Now that I know how to knit AND crochet (sort of), I can’t decide which I like better. The stitches are so different yet both are equally awesome.

For those of you that do both, which do you prefer and why?
For those of you that have absolutely no interest in my old lady hobbies, what is something new that you’ve learned to do lately?

Okay, so I know that his computer wife claims that he is 1% evil; 99% hot gas. But according to a statement made by his target audience (i.e. a 6-year-old boy), he’s 100% “soft and easy to punch in his mean eyeball.” To quote him exactly.

He is my own creation, and I actually remembered to jot down some notes to make a pattern out of. So feel free to knit one up for the Spongebob fan in your life!

Before you begin…

This pattern requires knowledge on knitting in the round on double pointed needles, increasing stitches, decreasing stitches, knitting an icord, and sewing felt pieces using the the backstitch. I haven’t included any in depth instructions on how to do any of this, but there are many online resources to help. =)

Materials

US size 8 double pointed needles (set of 4)
1 skein (thought it doesn’t even take half) worsted weight yarn in Green or Olive (I used the brand I Love This Yarn! 100% acrylic)
Stitch marker
Scrap yarn in black, also worsted weight (for the mouth)
Felt pieces in yellow and black
Black embroidery thread
White or yellow embroidery thread
Embroidery needle
Yarn or tapestry needle
A red marker (I stole one temporarily from my son’s room)
Polyester fiberfil

Instructions

BODY
CO 6 sts. using Judy’s Magic Cast-On method.
Join to begin working in the round.
Round 1: Holding both the working yarn AND the tail yarn together, knit the first st, place marker, and continue knitting to the end of the round.
Round 2: (increase round) Treat the extra loops from knitting the tail yarn as separate sts and knit to the end of the round. (12 sts.)
Round 3: Knit
Round 4: *K1, KFB; repeat from * across. (18 sts.)
Now divide these sts on 3 needles.
Round 5: Knit
Round 6: *K2, KFB; repeat from * across. (24 sts.)
Round 7: Knit
Round 8: *K3, KFB; repeat from * across. (30 sts.)
Round 9: Knit
Round 10: *K4, KFB; repeat from * across. (36 sts.)
Round 11: Knit
Round 12: *K5, KFB; repeat from * across. (42 sts.)
Rounds 13 – 34: Knit
Round 35: *K5, K2tog; repeat from * across.
Round 36: Knit
Round 37: *K4, K2tog; repeat from * across.
Round 38: Knit
Round 39: *K3, K2tog; repeat from * across.
Round 40: Knit
Round 41: *K2, K2tog; repeat from * across.
Round 42: Knit
Round 43: *K1, K2tog; repeat from * across.
Round 44: Knit

At this point, stuff the body with fiberfil to the desired “plumpness”.
Put down the knitting needles for a moment and start adding the facial features. Use the body to gauge the proper size of your felt pieces before applying them. For the eyebrow, cut a half moon shape from your black felt. On the flat edge of that shape, cut into it making more of a crescent moon shape. The Plankton is an angry creature.
For the eyeball, cut out an oval shape from the yellow felt, and fill in the iris with the red marker. You will probably need to go over it a few times. I freehanded all of this. Leave a small round area in the center of the iris uncolored.
To attach the eyebrow: Thread your embroidery needle with black thread and backstitch all the way around.
To attach the eyeball: Thread your embroidery needle with white or yellow thread and backstitch all the way around. (Note, if you only have white thread, like I do, take a yellow marker and lightly color over the stitches.)
Making the mouth: Thread your yarn or tapestry needle with the black scrap yarn and use the same backstitch method to make the smile (or frown, or whatever you want).

REMEMBER: After finishing your last backstitch on all of the above, just run your needle down through the body and out of the opening near your knitting needles. The stuffing helps keep the thread/yarn in place without having to weave in ends or tie knots. =)

Now, pick up those knitting needles again, it’s time to finish the body.
Round 45: K2tog around
This is your last chance to add stuffing to the body if you’re not satisfied.
Cut yarn
Thread yarn needle and draw yarn through remaining sts. Pull tight to close. Bring the needle through the body, out the other side, and cut yarn close to the surface.

Yay! The body and face are done!

ANTENNAE
Make two.

CO 4 sts using long-tail cast on method. Divide on 2 needles.
K in the round for 10 rounds.
Round 11: K2tog, K2tog (2 sts.)
Rounds 12 & 13: Knit
Transfer the st on the right needle over on to the left needle
Knit as for icord until entire piece measures approximately 6.5 in.
BO and attach to head. (Use the tail yarn left over from the cast-on to do this).

LEGS
Make two.

CO 10 sts using long-tail cast on method. Divide evenly on 2 needles.
K in the round for 15 rounds.
Round 16: K2tog, K1, K2tog, K2tog, K1, K2tog
Round 17: K2tog, K1, K2tog, K1
Cut yarn. Thread needle with yarn and pull through remaining sts. Pull tight to close.
Lightly stuff legs with fiberfil and attach to desired area on the body.

ARMS
Make two.

CO 6 sts using long-tail cast on.
K as for icord for 17 rows.
K2tog 3 times. Cut yarn.
Thread needle with yarn and pull through remaining sts. Pull tight to close. Attach to desired area on the side of the body.

And that’s it!

Feel free to get in touch with me if you have any questions or problems with this pattern. I’d be glad to help. Comments are always welcome, of course.

This pattern is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 United States License. Click the image for more information on what you can and can’t do with this pattern or things made from it.)

I never hit enter. I simply type it, examine it, erase it, and go about my business. Strange behavior to say the least.

Facebook is supposed to be for staying connected with the people you know. Presumably, for the people you hold dear. Why would I go searching for someone I’ve never even met (but thought about countless times)? What would I even do if I found him?

My half-brother, D, is out there somewhere. He has my family’s last name. A few strands of my dad’s DNA. After one look at his high school graduation photo many years ago, I can say that he looks just like my dad too, even more than my actual full brother. Dark hair, thick brows, eyes that pierce straight through you. I know that if I searched for him on Facebook, assuming that he has an account, I could find him no problem. That’s part of the reason why I don’t do it.

My father’s early adult life is one shrouded in mystery, at least to me. Growing up, I picked up on things over the course of a few years, and at some points my dad would indulge me and let me in on a few secrets. He was married at 17 to a woman he got pregnant. His first child, a son, was born somewhere around 1965. Two or three years later, a daughter came. To my knowledge, they lived together in vicious discontent until his wife ran off with their two children to be with another man a short time later.

He’s never told me what happened after that, in any detail that is.

He graduated high school, lived and worked around his home town until 1976, when he met, fell in love with, and married my mother. My brother was born in ’81, and I came a short time later in ’88.

His first daughter, as I mentioned earlier, was actually in our lives for a short lived period of time. I was little when she first came around. She pulled up at our house one day in a beat up Chevy truck with a topper on the back where she kept what looked like everything she owned. We went hiking in the woods behind my house where I took a backpack full of ‘hiking necessities’ like my Barbies and a camera. She told me all about her time in the Air Force. I told her about how much fun it would be if she played popcorn with me on the trampoline. I think my parents still have pictures of this somewhere. When she left, she gave me a handmade photo album, with nothing in it except for a greeting card talking about the blessings that family provide. The outside was adorned with soft, pink fabric (apparently she had learned from my dad prior to her visit that pink was my favorite color at the time), and in the center, was a large gold letter ‘K’. It was beautiful. A gift from one sister to another. She gave me her heavy, camouflage Air Force jacket that swallowed me up at the time, said goodbye, and disappeared.

I haven’t heard from her since. To my knowledge, neither has my parents.

I’ve often sat back and wondered why things are the way they are with my dad and his first two children. Why doesn’t he even TRY to keep contact with them? And it makes me angry when I think about it. How can he sleep at night knowing that he has children out there and wants nothing to do with them? Why are me and my brother different to him? How could he abandon them and live his life as ‘father of two’ all these years?

But then I think, maybe he didn’t turn his back. Maybe they abandoned him. And that has to hurt a whole lot worse.

I’ve seen him write her letters. I’ve seen him call and talk to her. I’ve seen him send emails and get nothing back. Once, I asked him what ever happened to his high school ring. He told me he mailed it to D, his first son. And that was that.

They have never met the father that I have known my entire life. Loving, trusting, dependable, affectionate. To them, they’ve only ever known him as…absent. And that’s nothing that is worth rekindling. I get it.

But there’s something in me that wants to search for both of my siblings on Facebook anyway and see what I can find. They’re well into their 40′s now, probably have families…but I never click ‘search’ and look for them because I don’t want to be the ghost showing up from their past. I don’t want to start a fire that may or may not be easy to put out. Honestly, I don’t even know who those people are. They may as well just be a concept or a dream. I’m sure there was a good reason to them why they decided not to acknowledge our existence anymore. And I should probably just write this off and do the same.

I am just eternally grateful for the family that I have known all my life. For the person that I have turned out to be. My dad, as I know him, has forever been a sturdy rock for me. I almost refuse to believe that he would be anything other than that to the ones he loves. In fact, I know it. He has to have a door slammed in his face before he walks away from it.

Even though it would be nice to know them, not knowing them isn’t taking away from what I have with my dad.

I don’t know that I’ll type their names anymore after this.

I know you’re foaming at the mouth right now waiting to read the facts!

It’s going to be hard coming up with 25!

1.) I’m a knitting hillbilly, as the title implies. I call myself that because a.) I knit shit and b.) I live in Kentucky in a trailer and eat grits for breakfast. Those are usually the only things someone needs to know about another person before assuming they are, in fact, a hillbilly. I embrace it.

2.) I was a hair away from never existing. My mother was 40 when a 2nd surprise pregnancy came along, and her doctor advised her to abort. Thankfully, she didn’t. I have to say that I am the most attractive of her two children.

3.) I have two much older half-siblings from my father. A half-brother that I’ve never met. A half-sister that mysteriously came into our lives for a little while and then, just as mysteriously, disappeared. My next blog post will go a little deeper into this subject.

4.) I’m a teen mom all grown up. I got pregnant at 15, married my son’s father (awesome guy, love him to pieces), gave birth at 16 and have been living happily with them ever since. My family is my everything.

5.) Every morning I wake up to my iPhone alarm, prepare to hit the SNOOZE button as always, and without fail I do a double take at the word. Maybe it’s because I’m still in my “half-asleep-borderline-zombie” fog when I see it. But it is a WEIRD looking word. It just never looks right to me. Sometimes I see it as it’s spelled and think it’s weird, other times I see it as SNOZOE or NOSOZE and don’t think it looks any better.

6.) I wrote a scathing email last year to the makers of Starburst asking them WHY oh WHY did they discontinue the sour flavors. I told them that I was angry now because they put 2 sour flavors in a pack with 2 nasty ass sweet flavors. I never heard back from them. I really really like Sour Starburst.

7.) I buy all of my clothes from Wal*Mart or second hand shops. I don’t have the desire or the money to be a fashionista.

8.) My taste in music is so strange because I don’t like any one particular genre more than the other. I have Loretta Lynn right next to Lil’ Wayne on my iPod. And I can go listening from her to him seamlessly.

9.) I often hoard the money that I make. Not to be mean or keep anything from my family (we are well taken care of), but I fear the struggling and hardship that comes with not having enough of it. That’s how I started living my adult life and I never want to go back to it.

10.) There’s a part of my brain, waaay back in the back of my mind behind the logic and reasoning zones, that honestly, sincerely believes that a zombie apocalypse is completely possible. When I find myself thinking about it, I can’t decide if I’d rather try to fight it out with all the guns and badassery I can muster, or just shoot myself in the face and be done with it.

11.) Unlike a lot of wives/girlfriends I know, I am completely 100% okay with and even excited about being home by myself. Not that I don’t enjoy spending time with my guys, but because I enjoy the silence and the time I get to relax and reflect.

12.) I once started tracing my family tree on Ancestry.com, then stopped for two reasons. 1.) I didn’t want to pay $20 a month for the service and 2.) I was afraid of what I might find.

13.) On occasion, I have horribly vivid nightmares about being murdered for no particular reason. Always in a different way. Once I dreamed that someone came along next to me in my car at a gas station and shot me in the head. As I woke from the dream, I can remember feeling the sensation of blood rushing in the back of my head and the shot ringing in my ears. Once my mind pulled itself back into consciousness, those sounds and sensations faded away and I regained myself in the dark silence. It’s terrifying. I don’t know why it happens. It affects me weirdly for the entire next day.

14.) I only write in cursive if I’m writing a check. No real reasoning behind it.

15.) Every time I leave my house, I say a quick silent prayer to God asking him to watch over me, my loved ones, and our homes. To protect us, keep us safe, and watch over us always. I’m not overly religious, but I feel close to God when I do it.

16.) I rarely follow recipes when I cook, unless it’s something I’ve never ever made before. My mother taught me to be a “taste cook”. I eyeball ingredients, taste, add something, taste, add something, rinse and repeat until I get it just right. Most of the time I’m awesome at it.

17.) I’m horribly bad at math. It was always my weakest subject in school. My favorites were English and History. Guess that’s why I blog and watch History’s Mysteries instead of solving quadratic equations in my spare time.

18.) I never buy eggs. My parents have free range chickens that produce OODLES of eggs on a daily basis and they give them away to everyone they know.

19.) I rarely drink alcohol. Not that I’m against it (my husband is a loyal Miller Light guy). I just can’t drink very much without feeling sick. And hot and sweaty. Not that sexy.

20.) At times I feel like my flaws define me. Petty, vain, insignificant physical flaws that mean absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. I don’t wear tank tops because I have freckled shoulders and a few faded stretch marks. Stupid shit like that. I’m hoping one day when I’m old and quirky that I won’t put so much value into things like that anymore.

21.) In MY house, toilet paper and paper towels roll over, not under. EVER.

22.) I’ve, been, known, to, overuse, the, comma. But I try to keep this habit in check.

23.) Since being an adult and having my driver’s license, I’ve only pumped gas one time. That’s it. We’re a one car family and that’s just something my husband has always conveniently done. The one time I did, I was driving my mom’s car to the grocery and absolutely could NOT make it home without getting gas. I almost panicked because it felt like everyone was watching me fumble around with the thing like an idiot. It sucked and I almost cried.

24.) As a child I took piano lessons, but not for very long. A year or 2 at the most. Now, I love the soothing sound of piano so much that I wish I had kept doing it. In my defense, my teacher was an eccentric old woman who gave lessons in a little windowless room in the back of a music store. She was nice, but I don’t think the material was stimulating enough to keep me interested. I want so badly to pick it up again and learn my own way. I have the potential. I just don’t think I have the patience.

25.) I’ve never changed a flat tire or had monkey sex with a gorilla.

WHEW. That was a tough one. But I DID IT.

I now tag these lovely people and I can’t wait to read their lists, should they decide to indulge me! Can they top my Freddy Kruegerish nightmares and lack of hot gorilla action? We soon shall see.

Carma @ Carmasez
Nicole @ Nicolisode.com
Melissa @ Melography
Catie @ Catielove.org
Erin @ Caotica and
Kasie @ KasiePea.me

But I digress. So they were going on about ways to “prevent” the hazards (oddly, the suggestion of shutting the hell up and paying attention to the damn road was never mentioned) when Josh turns to me and says,

“You know, I get tired of hearing about this. Why won’t phone manufacturers just create a voice-to-text type thing so that you can talk to the phone and it will type out your text?”

“Oh, you know I think I heard about that,” I said, “it’s called the telephone. Really revolutionary. You dial this number and then you can actually friggin TALK to the person on the other end! No typing required! Like you can hear their voices and everything!”

He had a look on his face that said ‘I want to punch you in the face right now’ and ‘I can’t believe I just said that’ simultaneously.

Why make it hard by finding 5623529 different indirect ways to communicate with another person?

To sum it all up: Smart phones are both insanely awesome and incessantly annoying. And unlike every news anchor you’ve ever watched, I’m not going to lecture about not texting while driving. But I will say that if anyone ever mows me down on the highway because they couldn’t bear the thought of unplugging from their precious Twitter or funny IM with the person in the back seat, they’re going to need an app for removing shards of plastic from their ass. And remember, where others don’t, Droid does.

1.) Outdoor activities – I love being outdoors, swimming and/or having a barbecue with friends and family. The taste of grilled food (burgers, hot dogs, vegetables, even pineapple) is something that you just can’t get year round and I look forward to it always. The dogs are always out enjoying soaking up the sunshine, birds are chirping, clouds big and fluffy…it takes me to a special place.

2.) Ice cream and popcicles – So I know that you can eat this any time of year. But really, I never want to in the winter time. Something about coming in from the heat and feeling that cold on your lips is refreshing and full of awesomeness.

3.) Summer blockbusters – Seems like tons of good movies always come out every summer. It’s always fun to go to the theater and see one, though now not as often because, well, have you BEEN to a movie lately? I practically have to spend half my week’s pay just to go, maybe have popcorn and a little dinner afterward.

4.) It’s easy to get ready and get out the door – Hello, summer clothing! I love the fact that when we decide to go somewhere during the summer, all I have to do is throw my hair up in a ponytail and put on some flip-flops. Did I mention that we’re not the most fashionable people? Shorts, tanks, and flip-flops FTW.

5.) Celebrating the 4th of July – I’d be one shitty American if I didn’t mention this on my list of awesome summer stuff. We love the fireworks, food, and spending time with family. Just a few common things that all Americans partake in and enjoy at the same time.

One of the big things my son loves about summer are of course, the animals. Late in the evening, we’ve been seeing a little family of bunnies emerge from the woods behind our house and explore the backyard. They hop around cautiously until they come upon a cluster of clover which is apparently DELICIOUS because they devour it in no time. We like to watch them, and every time Dylan tries to convince me that we should go out there and try to catch one. He wants a bunny as a pet. Also what he wants as a pet: a dolphin for our swimming pool. But something tells me that a bunny would be easier to maintain.

What are some of your favorite things about summer?

Anyway, I’m finally in the mood to share words and not just pictures since I’ve been fairly absent for a couple of weeks now. All in all, I can’t complain. Life is swell.

My son turned 6 years old on the 26th. We had a party and ice cream cake and plenty of good times with the family. I’m both sad AND thrilled that he’s 6 now, even though it seemed like yesterday he was toddling along behind me pointing at things in a demanding manner. But he’s a little fountain of knowledge now, and talking to him is finally interesting. Like he knows how to read and recites the pledge of allegiance AND can name all the planets in the solar system. He’s been telling me how excited he is about returning to school in August (1st grade, holy cow). I hope he keeps that enthusiasm for school, but I’m not getting my hopes up. I remember what it was like.

As some of you may have noticed, I’ve changed the looks of things around here once again. It’s taken me a few days to get things shuffled around and in order, but I think I’m finally happy with the way this theme turned out. Granted, I say this knowing that in a few weeks I’ll be bored of it and will have the urge to start all over again. But I plan on enjoying this little time of web zen while it lasts.

How has June treated you?

A post card recently seen on PostSecret states: “I have lived in San Francisco since I was young. I am illegal. I am not wanted here. I don’t belong anywhere. This summer I plan to jump off the Golden Gate.”

I was inspired by the outpouring of love and support on this Facebook page for the author of this tragic post card, and I had to show my support as well.

I’m so happy to finally have this finished! And for those who may be interested, it is currently listed for sale in my Etsy shop. =)