On inquisitive children and their antics

My son has really been surprising me with his straight-forwardness lately. He’s in that stage that all children go through, I suppose. He’s not afraid to tell you what he thinks or what’s on his mind at any given moment. Example.

We were eating dinner together, in the living room (because I’m a such a terrible, anti-family she beast!) and he says to me, “You’re not fat anymore, Mom. But you were when I was a little baby in your belly, huh?”

“Yes,” I told him, “and to be honest I’m not all that skinny now either babe.” Was I fishing for some kind of compliment from my 5-year-old? No. Hell, he’s being honest with me, I want to be honest with him. I wasn’t offended in the slightest. I was happy with his honest observations, in fact. The conversation continued…

“Well,” he pondered, “if you’re not skinny now, is that because you eat too much bad stuff for your body like oil and fat?” They’ve been studying the food pyramid at school.

“Yep,” I said, “that’s exactly right. Too much bad stuff and not enough exercise. It happens to grown ups sometimes.”

He took that as a valid point and said, “Well I love you anyways.”

Could I ask for anything better than that? To recognize at such a young age that people aren’t perfect, and that it’s okay to love them or appreciate them for what they are?

Now, there are two sides to being so blunt, and all of us as adults know what that means. I do reprimand him if he makes a too loud comment in the grocery store about someone being big or otherwise different in appearance. I don’t want him to be a little asshole, after all. It’s one thing to talk to me about that because I know he’s well intentioned, but a different thing entirely to do it to a stranger. But at the age he is now, he’s only being inquisitive and genuinely wants to know why I’m not skinny or maybe why the man we saw in the store only has one arm. While it’s not okay to walk up to these people and point out such things, it IS okay to wonder…and we all do it even if it isn’t verbal. I guess that’s what I want him to take away from these little whispered conversations…that it’s okay to talk about these things and ask questions, but it’s not okay to do it in a way that could hurt someone else. It’s my opinion that by silencing kids and scolding them every time they make a not so popular comment about the people or situations in their lives, it only does more harm than good. How will they learn that there’s a right time and place for everything if you never give them the chance to learn the difference?

I guess part of growing up and gaining social skills is learning where this fine line lies.

Doctor doesn’t always know best

My 86-year-old grandmother is having surgery today. Her heart doctor more or less insisted on giving her a pacemaker for her weakening heart. I wish she would’ve told them no.

That sounds horrible, doesn’t it?

A few days ago, she called me up to tell me about the situation. During her last visit to her ‘heart doctor’ (as she calls him), he noticed that her heart beat was irregular and skipped every now and then. His solution was to put her under the knife and insert a pacemaker immediately.

“But Kristie,” she told me on the phone, “I just don’t think I want it. I’m old. This is what happens when you get old. Things wear out and stop working. I’ve already had a heart attack and open heart surgery. I can’t live forever.”

I was both saddened and impressed by her courage. Most people would scramble to have modern medicine cure them of all their illnesses and use such technology for as long as their bodies could handle it. And although I pray that it doesn’t happen any time soon, when it’s time for her to pass away, she wants to bow out gracefully. She’s scared of having another surgery at her age. She’s afraid she won’t wake up again. I can’t really say that I blame her. She wants God to be in charge of her fate, not artificial medical devices.

Over the past several decades, she’s witnessed every one of her 8 siblings either die suddenly (from stroke or heart attack) or waste away in nursing homes. She’s always told me that she doesn’t want to live long enough to experience either. I don’t want her to die, I would be devastated, but I know that dying is a part of life and a very real possibility for her each day that passes. She has the right to choose how she lives out the rest of her life. Wouldn’t it be selfish of me, our family, and especially the medical professionals if we tried to convince her of anything else?

It would be, so I didn’t. Before hanging up with her I let her know that I understood and would support her if she officially decided not to have the surgery.

Yesterday evening she called again to let me know about her doctor insisting on the surgery. It’s probably going on right now as I type this.

I’m angry about it. Leave it to a doctor to insist on something without getting to know the person and asking what they think or feel about the situation. Seriously? This doctor who has supposedly ‘known her for years’ scheduled this surgery without even asking her if she wants it. He insisted all of this knowing (or maybe not knowing) that my grandmother came from a time when women only spoke when spoken to and blindly followed the men in their lives on every decision they made. Of course she isn’t going to object, no matter how much she disagrees with it!

All I can do now is pray that she makes it through. Though I’m still angry about the fact that she’s just another weak, old person to him – another time slot filled, another name on the dotted line, another body on the operating table…what’s done is done. I hope the pacemaker serves her well and that she learns to accept and live with it.

What a lot of doctors possess in knowledge, ability, and efficiency, they lack in personality, patience, and compassion.