I’ll see you at the crossroads

Well, we’re almost halfway through August and I think I’ve blogged two or three times…maybe. Since Dylan started school on the 5th, I’ve found myself indulging in other hobbies. I’ve found myself with all kinds of free time on my hands.

I’ve been reading a lot more lately. Last week, I finished reading “My Sister’s Keeper”, which is AMAZING to anyone who hasn’t read it. I found it displayed on a center rack in the book store, all shiny, and I think I heard it calling my name at one point. I picked it up, and hardly put it down until I was finished. I just started reading “The Time Traveler’s Wife”, and haven’t really made it far enough along in the book to give an opinion on it. I’ll admit, I probably wouldn’t be reading it if I didn’t think the previews they’ve been showing about the movie every 5 seconds looked like a totally awesome story. I plan on seeing the movie eventually as well, so I can be one of those elitist know-it-alls who criticize the entire movie for not sticking to the book, word for word.

Between my obsessive reading and other daily obligations, I’ve been knitting like a mad woman. Mostly small things and toys (working on a socktopus for Dylan), as knitting a heavy, hot afghan like the baby blanket I’ve had on the needles for months doesn’t sound too appealing in this blistering heat we’ve been having. I have all kinds of projects lined up too; winter will be here before I know it, and all of us will need some hats!

I’ve also had plenty of time to reflect on things. Yeah, I know it sounds corny in every possible way, but I feel as though we, as a family, have hit a crossroads. Josh and I get in these moods more often now where we really think we want a career change, for him and for myself. Or maybe even going back to school. Considering saving for a second car, and maybe even extending our family. Then, after weighing pro’s and con’s a hundred times, reality sets in and we realize that where we are is pretty amazing to be as young as we are. And though I’m thankful for what we have, even the menial jobs that we are growing to hate with a fiery passion, I still can’t help but yearn for more out of life. With Dylan growing up and going to school full time now (which he’s totally loving by the way), I almost feel like I’d be wasting my time by sitting at home and not taking full advantage of the time that neither one of us really had when he was younger. Sometimes I feel like having a degree under my belt, or a more satisfying job in general would make me feel more useful and accomplished – not to mention it would be a big “FUCK YOU” to anyone who thought a high-school-drop-out-teenage-mother-with-a-G.E.D wouldn’t amount to anything in life but a government assisted bottom dweller. Which I’m proud to say I’m not, despite the whole ‘lack of a degree’ thing.

Then again, I’m only 21 years old; Josh is only 25, and I have to stop at times and remind myself that we’re not doing too bad at all. Still, that feeling is there. Hence the crossroads, my friends. I’m sure things will work themselves out in time, but for now, I plan to map out my life with a pair of knitting needles in hand.

More about Dylan and school: he’s having a blast, truly. I’ve come to terms with him being away from me now, and the fact that it will be like this for the rest of his time in school. Now, instead of moping and being sad about the fact, I try to embrace it. His stories are totally awesome, I mean, he’s 5 and goes off on tangents ALL THE TIME. Trying to keep up with one story is a challenge, and I love it. He has a little girlfriend who he’s been holding hands with on the bus, he’s encountered a bully in his class, who he yells at when he pinches or squeezes him (not necessarily encouraged by the school, but I don’t care), and he knows how to spell ‘red’ and ‘blue’, and of course his name. With 1 capital letter, and the rest lowercase! Let me tell you, this is a big feat for a kindergartner, according to his teacher.

All in all, life is incredibly rewarding and awesome, while being kinda shitty and confusing at the same time. It’s a weird place to be, but that’s why I’m so happy to have this blog, and all of you wonderful people that I’ve met through it over the months and years.

Learning to let go

Are you tired of hearing about my kid yet? That’s mostly what I’ve been blogging about this week, so…why break the pattern now?

It’s really not a big deal. This whole ‘going to school’ thing – it’s just a part of growing up. That’s what I’ve been telling myself all summer. Yet, as the first day of school draws closer, I can’t help but feel…sad. No, not just sad. Sad and happy. At the very same time. It’s weird and I can’t really say that I like it, but it is what it is.

I’m so incredibly happy and excited for him to be a kindergartner. To be able to learn to write and read. To sit with the big kids at lunch and make friends. I look forward to hearing his stories about his little successes and praising him on a job well done. My refrigerator is cleared off now, ready and waiting for the upcoming year’s work. All of this and so much more.

I’m so incredibly sad for him to be a kindergartner. To be gone all day, needing me less and less. To learn that not everyone will like him or want to be his friend. I dread seeing him come home sad, because this or that happened or he didn’t understand what to do. My arms will be open, ready and waiting for a little guy needing a little comfort. All of this and so much more.

Definitely a weird mixture of feelings. I sometimes wonder if my mother felt the same way about me, or if I’m just getting carried away. Making something out of nothing, so to speak. While I’m happy to see him grow up, become an individual, and really begin navigating the waters of school life and friendships, at the same time I’m sad reminiscing of all the memories of him as a baby, so little and fragile, needing me every step of the way. I never thought it would feel quite like this. We’ll both need some time to work through the change, that’s for sure.

Ah, who am I kidding? “It’s only kindergarten, you crazy lady, get a grip on yourself!”. Perhaps this is true. To anyone else, I know it seems like nothing. But to me, it was baby steps yesterday, kindergarten today, and college tomorrow. We’ve all heard the saying that ‘the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.’ And as he stands here next to me, stroking my arm and telling me I’m the best mom ever for buying him Froot Loops, I’m so happy to be going on this journey with him.